Right, and true

It’s way too early. I should be getting sleep for my first day of training.

Instead, I’m up. Thinking about things that are true, and things that are not true, and things that I wish were true.

When things stopped feeling right, it felt like a tiny disease growing slowly but surely right in the middle of me. Something I thought could be cured by a good night’s sleep, or an important conversation. I didn’t listen to the black lump in my soul, because it was saying something I didn’t want to hear.

Instead of going away, the black lump got bigger and bigger. It twisted me up inside and screamed for attention. I smiled less and felt anxious more. I rationalized it, and worried about it, and wished it away.

I let what I wanted to be true become more important than what was true.

Not anymore.

It was hard, but also it was right. And true.

Which is the way I want to live my life.

And the black lump of anxiety dissolved.

So I’m happy. And accepted. And ready for my next big adventure.

Well.

No. I’m not ready quite yet.

But I will be. And soon. I’m certain of that.

And it’s easier to breathe with the blackness gone.

Anyway, these are some of the quiet truths trying to be heard between all the shouting in my head as I sit here,

and look for Kleenex,

and wait for the sun to rise.