Blur

Yesterday, I woke up feeling like someone had sledgehammered all my insides, especially my head and my throat and my lungs.

I knew I wasn't going to make it to work when it took me 20 minutes to pull on jeans and a hoodie because I kept having to lie down and rest.

Getting dressed isn't supposed to be that hard.

So I took some medicine, and the rest of the day was a numbing blur.

Also, it was a blur because I didn't wear my glasses, and definitely not my contacts.

Here's what I remember:

waking up halfway through a movie

and feeling vaguely surprised that I must have started it

and that even Hugh Grant's blurry one-liners

weren't making me laugh

Sam kissing my burning forehead.

His face was in focus, but everything else wasn't.

wondering why it was so cold under the thick blanket

the smell of being sick

that clung to me

I hate that smell.

wishing either of my parents could come

and feel my forehead

and make me eat applesauce

to quench the fire in my throat

but they couldn't

because my dad's in Alpine

and my mom's much farther away

Katie making me eat something

and making me happy

feeling completely worthless

all day

because I couldn't concentrate

on anything

or even see anything clearly

and thinking about everyone

I dropped the ball on

the sliver of blue sky

outside the blurry window

made me think it was summer

so I couldn't figure out

why everyone who came in

had a coat on

Caitlin feeling my forehead just like my mom used to do

and Amanda rubbing my arm gently

and talking to Heather about something,

which I cannot for the life of me

recall

and I remember crying with Sam about my mom

and sharing things with him

that I really hope wasn't a medicated dream

and Johanna going to get food for me

even though it was inconvenient for her

and longing for the blurry summer outside the window

and for my lungs and throat and head to just stop already

and for me to think clearly again

which I still can't, really

because bottom line:

this medicine is doing weird things.