the drop-and-hide maneuver

I can finally say it: as a new mom, I have officially perfected the drop-and-hide maneuver. As any parent will tell you, this maneuver is crucial when your child is sleeping and you need to check on them, either because you're going through withdrawals after being separated for twenty whole minutes, or because your child has slept so long you're afraid they're dead. Here are the instructions, in case you're not as skilled as I am in that area.

HOW TO CHECK ON A SLEEPING CHILD: 

THE DROP-AND-HIDE MANEUVER

1. Inch the door open at a rate of approximately 3cm per minute. Any faster will make the door squeak, and if your child hears the door squeak, all bets are off.

2. Army crawl slowly toward the crib. Do NOT cry out in pain when your arm sinks into the sharp corner of a toy (why do we even have that toy? she's still too young for that toy!). Do NOT audibly gag when your arm sinks into a used diaper that hasn't quite made its way to the trash can yet.

3. Slowly, slowly, slowly inch your head up until your eyes are level with the top of the mattress. This is where any previous experience as a Peeping Tom comes in handy. Step 3 also reminds me of the book The Tailypo, which incidentally gave me nightmares for years.

4. Check on the baby.

5. RESIST THE URGE to kiss that baby's angelic little cheek, or stroke that baby's angelic little head, or re-tuck the part of the blanket that's come unswaddled. I repeat, RESIST THE URGE.

6. Try not to curse aloud as the cell phone in your pocket goes off, filling the once-silent room with Marimba #3.

6. At the first sign of movement from the baby, perform the drop-and-hide maneuver. This involves crumpling to the ground like a marionette while simultaneously contorting your body to ensure a silent landing. Think Toy Story when Andy enters the room.

7. Remain in the crumpled position for at least 15 minutes, until you are positive that the baby has fallen back asleep. If you begin to move before all your extremities are numb, you are moving too soon.

8. Army crawl back out of the room, not crying out when your arm finds that same toy and that same wet diaper.


You're welcome :) Happy almost-Friday!